It's been A While

It's been quite a while since I last wrote on here, to be honest, I forgot I even had a blog, until I saw it on my Facebook.
A lot has happened since November of 2008. First, in December, I fell once again and just kept on doing the things that were not God pleasing. I went out, got drunk, did things I shouldn't have done. At the end of February I was laid off from my drafting job at Hemmler + Camayd Architects. I have been working at Home Depot part time. I am very unsatisfied with life. I pray everyday that God would make my heart content at where He has me in life. I know this is where He wants me, but why?
In April, April 12 to be exact, Andrew took his life. This was one of the hardest things I have ever been through. The viewing and funeral were harder to go through than my own Grandparents. I have written about him in previous entries. The picture of him and I at graduaion is a few entries below this one. From the previous entries, you can tell that I will never get over how I felt about him. This is why that was one of the hardest things I have ever gone through. Since then, a lot of things have just spun out of control.
About a month after that I began talking to a co-worker named Jason. He is an unbeliever, has very mixed up views and well is just all around messed up. We only dated for about a week. I made some mistakes. The day I broke up with him I talked to this guy who I had met the weekend before, when I was stil with Jason, at the bar. He asked me out to dinner, and it all started there. He like Jason is an unbliever. We dated for about a month. The last few weeks of our relationship were the worst. I had finally told my parents about him. They had threatened to kick me out of the house. Forcing me to choose between him or my parents. Then something clicked inside. I asked myself, why should I have to choose, number one, and why would I even think about compromising my family relationships for a guy. Not worth it, so I ended that. I had to tie up a few loose strings attached to that relationship. Finally, he was gone out of my life.
So, right now, here I sit. trying to straighten my life up. Trying to gather the scattered pieces that remain of my shambled life. I ask myself, what did I do to deserve this? Then I go through the past few months and its quickly answered for me. The past few weekends, I fell once again. Why do I keep falling, I need to just learn to say "no". So pray for me. Pray I can learn to say "no". Finally, pray that I can form a schedule and set aside specific time to be in God's Word, each and everyday. If you have any recommendation of where I should begin please let me know.

Wizard of Oz

Here I am 21 years old and not living the life I really should be.

I feel like I am stuck in a black and white movie. Compare it too The Wizard of Oz. In the beginning on the movie while Dorothy is at her house it is a black and white picture (really representing the Great Depression). But that is how I feel currently. I feel stuck in a black and white picture unable to get out unless a tornado comes through and completely rips apart my life.

I feel like I am ready for a change, but when is it going to happen? I know I just need to let God have all control, I alone cannot change my life, for I can only do that with the help from my Lord, Jesus Christ. But for some reason Satan just keeps on pulling me back into that black and white screen, not wanting me to go to the color side of things. The prettier, happier side. I am just realizing today how encouraging our Christian circle can be. But I was reading a note from someone this morning of something that she has been struggling with. I saw the comments after the note and they were all so encouraging! I realized that this Christian circle I have been raised is just one of the best parts of my life! This is the colorful screen I am referring too.

Why am I not letting God change me? I keep on letting Satan entice me with things of the world that Christ forbids in the Bible. I keep on thinking that this is something I need to do on my own, but you know what, I cannot. I cannot change on my own. It is IMPOSSIBLE! But nothing is impossible with Christ.
While our "circle" can be encouraging, I know that it can also bring you down. I have a friend that is influenced very, very easily. I was realizing the other day, I am a terrible influence. I need to be one of the ones influencing her is the RIGHT way. Not the Worldly way.
Sometimes my life just seems to be a HUGE mess, in reality it's not THAT bad. But to me it is. I have been raised in a Christian home. I know what's wrong and what's right. My parents have shown me the right way to live and here I am not living that way. I need a change, and I can only do that through Christ.
I'm sure some of you might be feeling this same way, and I hope this note may have been sort of an encouragement to you. I hope you realize that your not alone in the daily struggle. But with Christ we can make it through and come out stronger in the end. I want to soon, be one the color side after the tornado comes.

Sometimes, I wish I could just click my heels 3 times and be changed and have my heart renewed.

Into Arms

I just want to run downstairs and outside and just jump into his arms. Just to tell him that life isn't that bad! That everything will turn out alright! That I care for him! But I can't.
I don't want him to leave. I don't want to say good-bye for what might be the last time. I just have to keep reminding myself that it'll be good for him. It will straighten him out. Hopefully.

Always There

So, I am struggling with this. I don't know if anyone can help me in this situation. You know as soon as you stop thinking of someone, someone that once meant a lot to you, they just happen to show up. It's almost like they're reading your mind. Like they say" Katie stopped thinking about or stopped wanting to see me, I should just show up!" It's vicious! Satan is vicious! I detest him! I cannot wait until the day he is defeated! Till Christ reigns the Earth. Although, by then I will be with Christ. But I just can't stand it. Here we are, him and I. We both graduated, talked very little over the summer. Then, I start my job and I begin looking through pictures on my computer from the guy before, and there he is. Right in the middle of the picture! I figured, only me. So, I figured that's very ironic. So, of course, being weak me, I text him, telling him of the ironic situation. We talked for a little bit, and that was that. But being weak me again, I say "hey, we should do lunch". Stupid me. So, a week ago I find myself out to lunch with him. It was a great lunch, don't get me wrong. He has actually changed which was awesome to see, but it's so hard to go and see him without getting a little bit of feelings back for him. Then today, summed it all up. I was walking out of my building to run to my car, and low and behold, I look to my left and I see his work truck. So, being dumb and smitten me, I text him, asking him if he was working over there, and sure enough, he is. I wanted so badly for him to say "do you want to get lunch?". But he did not, I am now relieved. But I still want to him to ask me. Is there something wrong with this? Why do I constantly still want to be with him? My question for myself is, why did I not stop him from the start, or stop myself from even beginning to like him? I knew I could never really be with him, unless I wanted to completely disappoint a few people. My prayer, Hear my cry, O God; listen to my prayer. From the ends of the earth I call to you, I call as my heart grows faint; lead me to the rock that is higher than I. Psalms 61:1-2

Back in Time

Do you ever listen to a song or a whole CD and it brings you back to a specific time in your life? Good or bad. I do. The CD is Rise Against-The Sufferer and the Witness.
Every time I hear that CD, it brings me back to almost 2 years ago. It just does not feel like it was that long ago. I was going through a time in my life, you could call it, rebellion. I would hang out with this one guy, every time I hung out with him I was with "Megan". Let's just say I hung out with "Megan" a lot. We would go out at least 2 times a week. Well, I would always listen to that CD. I bought it freshman year of college and I loved it. I still love it to this day. It's an awesome CD.
Back to my point, have you ever wanted to go back in time? Not to change how anything happened like a lot of people think, but just to re-live those days. I do not approve of what I did, but I must say, I did have fun. I can't even express how much this person still means to me. We're still friends, although, I don't hang out with him like I did. We have both moved on with our lives, but still keep in contact. This is just something that has been on my mind lately.
But now, in my life, I am at a turning point. I have had my rebellious days and now I am ready to start living my life for Christ. Yesterday at church, we were singing, and the song just struck me. I practically broke down. See the night before I went out with a friend of mine. Well, my dad was telling me things, that, to be honest, go in one ear and out the other. But for some reason, his words just stuck with me the whole time i was with my friend. Now I couldn't cancel on him because he drove up from Wilkes-Barre. Then after we went out separate ways, I went and hung out with my other really good friend. He is one of those other "Megan" people. Back to yesterday, I realized, that my actions are not pleasing in the sight of God or other people. Unfortunately, I need to to one of the hardest things ever, break off ties with some of the people I love. But they're bringing me down in my walk with Christ. I need to hang out with people that will lift me up Spiritually and mentally. This will be one of the hardest times of my life. So please, I could use encouragement as I begin my road of trying to find my place in the Body of Christ.
I should be getting back to work now. Thank you for reading!